walking pharmacy!

Ok, so here's the scoop:

Antibiotic: Ciprofloxacin
2 a day for a week, 12 hours apart. No Dairy, lots of water, empty stomach.

Thyroid: Levothyroxine
1 a day, for...probably ever. Empty stomach, LOTS of water. 4 hours before or after dietary fiber and/or walnuts.

Energy: B12, 500micrograms
1 a day. Empty stomach.

Plus the 20mg Cipralex.

So, what this basically means is:

1. No food before 10am until the antibiotics are done. (Antibiotic at 8am before work)
2. Lots of water.
3. No walnuts. not that I really like walnuts on their own...
4. Lots more water.
5. No dairy for a WEEK?? No ice cream? WHY?!?!?
6. More water. Seriously.
7. No food after 6pm. (Meds at 8pm, on empty stomach)
8. Waaaaater.
9. Once the antibiotics are done, pro-biotic yogurt to balance things out.
10. Are your eyes floating? No? More water.

...I'm going to be spending a lot of time in the loo.

next steps

So, quick snapshot of the last week and a bit...

I've been so exhausted that I can barely function. I get to work, wake up by 9:30, and by 2pm, I can barely move or think. I would come home, sleep for 3-4 hours, then go to bed, and wake up still tired. I don't fit into any of my clothes.

Last Sunday night, I broke down. I told Adam that I wanted to go home. To just quit, to give up. I was so tired of being tired that I couldn't even drive home. I took Monday off, and that afternoon, went to the walk-in. I told the Doctor (Dr. Senior, for those who are wondering) about how I felt. He asked about my job and I told him. He raised an eyebrow and told me that it was probably stress, but that he would run a full battery of blood/urine tests, as he would for any person who came in exhausted. He didn't expect to find anything.

Fast forward to tonight, when I went back to the clinic to review my results. I sat by the computer with Dr. Senior as he went through the list... Not pregnant, not anemic, excellent cholesterol, no risk of heart disease... then he said "Oh, well, you proved me wrong, my dear!".

Hypothyroidism, a severe UTI and deficient in B12.

So, here's where it starts, I guess. I start antibiotics tomorrow, as well as a low dose of medication for my thyroid. If it works, I'll be on it for the rest of my life, but I'll be less tired, the weight should start to slowly come back down. The aches and the whole-body tired, the brain fog, should all start to lift. I've read that the headaches will start to go too.

But it's not just drugs and fixed. In order for the weight to come down, I'll have to start a low-fat, high fiber diet with minimal sugars. Once the UTI is gone, to get it to stop coming back, I'll have to start drinking more water, probably adding some cranberry juice and some blueberries. For the B12, it's either the shot, the suppliment or lots more B12 rich foods (which should provide an energy boost).

I re-read some of Skinny Bitch last night... The book gets a bad wrap. It's just about sucking it up and using your head. A clear sign of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, and this book is like a slap in the face for that.

I'm going to have to actually put effort into doing something for exercise, probably 30 minutes of walking 5x per week to see results, but they should come easier than the usual first few weeks.

and I'm going to have to keep up my sleeping pattern, which I'm going to work on.

Right now, actually. :)

broken hearted

there was an article on bay today this evening stating that Kathy won't be able to take cats at the pet rescue anymore because of her allergies.

I read that, and my heart broke. I know that there's nothing I can do, but I feel hopeless, like finding out that something you thought would always be there is suddenly gone. something in me can't stop thinking of frightened little kittens roaming the street with nowhere to go.

I know it seems silly. It just makes me feel like we're losing the good fight. It makes me feel like there's no hope for the good things. It makes my body ache and my chest throb and...I know there's nothing at all that I can do.

I'm an emotional wreck, so tired... I'm going to bed. I'm going to sleep all weekend.

sparks

I had an awsome day.

I took some beautiful pictures on the 30 000 Island cruise, and the winding road out of Magnetawan, and of the small pox grave by Adam's house, and the Seguin Falls, and of the Haunted House off West Bear Lake Road.

I felt inspired again. I wanted to write and draw and take pictures. I wanted the world to stop for just a few more hours so I could try to some how let it all out and take it all in at the same time.

And then I got to Adam's and checked my email. I really need to stop doing that. I let it go for a while, but then in the car there was nothing good on the radio, so I started... thinking. feeling. twisting it all up.

Twisting into feeling defeated, then to... feeling angry.

I started thinking about the microscope, and the watchful eye that never leaves, that shadows over everything I do. Did you know that she now has me submitting daily reports of what I do? It's almost disgusting. I think she wants me to resent it. I think she doesn't trust me to do my job, but that isn't reason enough to fire me, so she's looking for proof.

I"m starting to wonder what will happen to my job once the 2 new coordinators are hired on, and what will happened when (it's a when now), the vacancy at the branch is filled. I'll go back to 3 days a week by September, she tells me... how long will that last? How long until I'm edged out all together.

Then I got really mad. Screw that. Screw her! I won't leave; that's cowardice. I've spent too long being a coward, letting people walk on me. I can't walk away and let her win.

Raffle hell starts again tomorrow, setting roots in my life again, waiting to grow that damned thorn. She wants $1500 cash sponsorship by September's end. She wants in-kind media sponsorship. She wants 2000 tickets sold. She wants poinsettias... don't know how many yet, she hasn't given me my operational plan.

My decision: She wants $1500? I'll give her $5000. She wants 2000 tickets? I'll have it by Christmas. She wants poinsettias sold? There'll be 1000 waiting for delivery when she waltzes in on delivery day. She wants my FA numbers met? There'll be a course every frigging day until I've met every god damned target. You think I can't do my job? Watch me.

And one of these days, soon, (VERY SOON) I'll walk away, and she'll NEVER find anyone who CAN do my goddamn job with the fire and the drive and the resolve and the passion that I can. I'll set the bar so high, everything after this will look like low level mediocrity. And she'll NEVER be able to afford to get me back, and she'll be FUCKED. And she will learn, that I will jump through hoops, and I'll knock down road blocks, and I'll make magic from nothing... But you don't DARE piss me off.

And that, my friends, is called Rage.

And that's where I am now. Washing my best "business wear" as she demanded, and preparing to squeeze as much money as I can out of this dirty little pennyless town.

And the artist, the writer, the poet, the piece inside me that sees beauty in the world? It's weeping, hurting and rejected. But it will heal, like all the other scars.

I'm ready for a fight, gloves off. Ready for sparks to hit the gasoline. Ready to light it all up.

Sick to my stomach, but ready.

What would you do...

Jumping back to the Cheese book for a minute... one of the big questions, the Writings on the Wall, is:

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

...I would join the YMCA and take classes, without thinking of how silly I look
...I would grow a vegetable garden
...I would buy a swim suit (haven't had one in almost 10 years)
...I would sing more
...I would go out more
...I would seriously look for another job... like actually put out resumes
...I would throw a big party
...I would go to bed before 11
...I would tell people things I'm bottling up because I'm afraid they'll be mad at me.

If I weren't afraid, I would stop being afraid of looking stupid.